How did I get here?

HWAG has been sending me links (to help with parenting), not just for me but he's been reading them and when he reads one he thinks can help us to be better parents he sends them to me. They have been really helpful and have been spot on, but they have been a real wake up call at the same time.

So I thought to myself, you have a million and one parenting books pick one up and read it, it's not like you can't use the extra help. So I grabbed all of my (parenting) books and sat down and started to read the backs of them, got to the bottom of the pile and picked up She's Gonna Blow! I didn't need the back to decide this is the book for me.

The book is She's Gonna Blow! Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger by Julie Ann Barnhill

I'm really identifying with the book and I know this post is going to leave me totally vulnerable but I really feel the need to share some of what I've read and to answer some of the questions (she asks ? at the end of every chapter), if my opening up can help anybody else that's dealing with anger it will be worth it.
I'm still reading the book and I deal with anger (almost) everyday, try not to be too judgemental, because I am working on bettering myself.

The first chapter is How did I get here? Some unwelcome discoveries about motherhood, anger, and really blowing it.

She goes on to tell some stories of times she has been completely angry with her kids, and she even tells how she has reacted to them....ouch. You'll have to read the books to hear her stories (this is about mine).

She asks what kind of mother am I? With this in response to her own question Before I had kids I planned on being "a good mother"

• dynamic
• involved
• compassionate
• fun
• inspiring
• loving

and then "honestly, I didn't have a clue"

Now her list reads more like

• impatient
• discontent
• irritable
• depressed
• disappointed
• angry

I couldn't begin to tell you how much THIS IS HOW I FEEL. I totally understand this. It makes my heart sad and ache, but this is me.

Questions and Answers :/

1.Have you experienced an "aha" moment of mothering? Where did it take place and who was involved? What is the most surprising fact you have learned about yourself since becoming a mother?

Yes recently in fact, I think I mentioned in another blog that we had been having a hard time with ABB, he was scribbling on all his school work. Well I was getting mad and I tried different ways to get him to stop such as taking things away from him, spanking, yelling. Then one day I was like "aha" he keeps doing this because he's getting so much (negative) attention from it so I started only focusing on the good work he brought home, and "aha" we only get awesomely colored pictures now. Most surprising would have to be the anger.

2. What parenting issues tend to be trigger points for your particular kind of anger? Under what particular circumstances do you tend to "lose it"?

I "lose it" when I feel like nobody is listening to me, when I just keep saying the same thing over and over and I'm getting know where, or I get a NO, or an I don't want to. And if it's a day when I feel like I have a million things to do, I really "lose it" then.

3. How did you tend to communicate your feelings of anger before children-verbally? physically? through withdrawal or silence? Has your "anger style" changed since becoming a mother? Is the intensity level lower or higher?

I would have to say before children it was mostly silence, but if I was really and I mean really angry I would get physical with people. I would have to say yes my style has changed, and my intensity level is way higher, I don't think I have ever been as angry as I get now.

4. What childhood or early adulthood ideal of "good" mothering have you regretted giving up the most? Stop and consider how much influence these resentments are playing out in your anger toward your children.

I would have to say working outside the house and having time (in everyday) to just enjoy the kids.

5. Name two moms you know who seem to be struggling with anger toward their kids. How could you use this book as a tool to develop creative conversations and encourage one another towards change?

I know a few mom's I would love to tell about this book, unfortunately at this time I don't talk to them. But I'm hoping that blogging about what I'm reading and my own struggles will help any other moms who come across my blog.

6. Are you harboring any secrets in regard to your anger and your behavior-things you do and feel when no one is around? Who would have a difficult time believing your story of anger?

No I'm pretty open in sharing when I have done or said something wrong, I always tell HAWG, it's important to me that he knows I feel overwhelmed at times and need his help. I have told close friends and family members too, I don't want to ever hurt my kids so If I start getting that angry I get help and walk away. I guess a lot of time's I feel like running from my life instead of sticking it out here, I don't always share (every time I feel that way).

I just wanted to add that I don't get physically abusive with my kids but I do yell (a lot), and I do have to walk away so I don't hit them and I say things I shouldn't say like "I wish I wasn't a mom". I do have moments where I totally freak out and throw things across the room, and I have broken down crying in front of my kids, that's just to name a few things. And for some reason my freak out moments always happen after work (my work is babysitting). I start to feel overwhelmed at dinner time and that seems to be the time when my kids start freaking out.

I love my kids, and I can be a good mom.