Volcanoes 101

Here she blows. Really here's more from the book.....

She's Gonna Blow! Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger by Julie Ann Barnhill

My relating to the second chapter Volcanoes 101. Understanding How She Blows

In these chapters she goes on to describe 4 different kinds of volcanoes and comparing them to our momma blow ups or like I like to call them freak out moments. The four volcanoes are The Strombolian, The Hawaiian, The Vulcanian, and The Plinian (I'm not going to go through what she says about them all, only mine again).

And MINE was quit easy for me to identify. I'm in with The Strombolian eruptions or blow ups, whatever you want to call them.

When this volcano "blows" it's eruptions sound a lot like the din of a powerful jet engine at close range, and it spits out volcanic materials such as cinders and thick, pasty lava bombs. But because the eruptions are relatively short and happen at predictable intervals, the Strombolian would seem to be one of the least threatening volcanic eruptions. After all, how much damage can a few cinders do?

So Strombolian eruptions=predictable, short-lived, and seem to blow over with little residual damage. Only not, repeated small eruptions and cinder showers can eventually bring about as much damage as any other kind of eruption.

Once again my heart is left aching and sad, this is who I have become as a mom.

I always feel regret after I do or say things I know I shouldn't to me kids, It's a horrible feeling and it's keep me up many a night (which is what it sounds like it did to her too) .

She gives some hints as to how to short-circuit a volcanic explosion such as concentrating on your physical reactions. Remind yourself to breathe deeply and slowly, concentrating on the flow of air in and out of your lungs. Consciously relax your facial muscles--unclench your jaw and teeth, raise your eyebrows to smooth out your forehead, unpurse your mouth. Deliberately stretch out your hands (which may be clenched into fists) and roll your shoulders to relax your neck. By changing your physical response to anger, you may be able to cool down your emotional response as well.

I have already started using her techniques and have stopped a few explosions. It feels really good to focus your attention on your muscles (it really is helping me to relax).

A quick story, I have battled with depression for a long time and my last doctor (who I totally laughed at (out loud)) suggested that I do yoga cause it would help (you know with the relaxing of my muscles, which could possible help with the depression). My bad, maybe yoga wouldn't be such a bad thing for me after all.

Volcanic Dangers
Volcanic eruptions are dangerous! Even the relatively "safe" Strombolian eruptions have the capacity to cause long-lasting harm, and the more violent kinds of explosions can destroy your family. Here are just a few examples of what you can damage with your angry outbursts:

• Your children's sense of security
• Your spouse's trust
• your relationship with God

It doesn't have to be that way so Strombolian moms, we must unite! No more excuses and no more whispered prayers of "please don't let them remember." No more!

I love what she's saying, I love finding peace and comfort and help in her beautiful words and wisdom.

Questions and Answers :/

1. What is your most consistent style of erupting in anger? Does it resemble one of the four volcanoes described here, or would you describe it another way?

I've answered this above, I'm a Strombolian momma, I would have to say the only thing I do that's not described is throw crap but never at my kids.

2. What is your greatest fear concerning your eruptive anger and your children?

I would have to say my kids sense of security, I want them to feel completely safe in my home.

3. Has there been a time when you knew, without a doubt, that your anger was uncontrolled, out of bounds, and potentially harmful to your children?

No. I stick to only yelling at my kids, but I believe (like she said) it's doing more damage then what I actually know.

WOW Volcanoes 101 was a hard chapter for me, but I learned so much about my kids, myself , and my type of anger (explosions). But she gave some great tips to start working on and I've already been able to use them. Please pray for me, I will be praying for myself, bettering myself and focusing on changing my ways. And I will remember to spend time enjoying my kids every day.

I love my kids, and I can be a good mom.

How did I get here?

HWAG has been sending me links (to help with parenting), not just for me but he's been reading them and when he reads one he thinks can help us to be better parents he sends them to me. They have been really helpful and have been spot on, but they have been a real wake up call at the same time.

So I thought to myself, you have a million and one parenting books pick one up and read it, it's not like you can't use the extra help. So I grabbed all of my (parenting) books and sat down and started to read the backs of them, got to the bottom of the pile and picked up She's Gonna Blow! I didn't need the back to decide this is the book for me.

The book is She's Gonna Blow! Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger by Julie Ann Barnhill

I'm really identifying with the book and I know this post is going to leave me totally vulnerable but I really feel the need to share some of what I've read and to answer some of the questions (she asks ? at the end of every chapter), if my opening up can help anybody else that's dealing with anger it will be worth it.
I'm still reading the book and I deal with anger (almost) everyday, try not to be too judgemental, because I am working on bettering myself.

The first chapter is How did I get here? Some unwelcome discoveries about motherhood, anger, and really blowing it.

She goes on to tell some stories of times she has been completely angry with her kids, and she even tells how she has reacted to them....ouch. You'll have to read the books to hear her stories (this is about mine).

She asks what kind of mother am I? With this in response to her own question Before I had kids I planned on being "a good mother"

• dynamic
• involved
• compassionate
• fun
• inspiring
• loving

and then "honestly, I didn't have a clue"

Now her list reads more like

• impatient
• discontent
• irritable
• depressed
• disappointed
• angry

I couldn't begin to tell you how much THIS IS HOW I FEEL. I totally understand this. It makes my heart sad and ache, but this is me.

Questions and Answers :/

1.Have you experienced an "aha" moment of mothering? Where did it take place and who was involved? What is the most surprising fact you have learned about yourself since becoming a mother?

Yes recently in fact, I think I mentioned in another blog that we had been having a hard time with ABB, he was scribbling on all his school work. Well I was getting mad and I tried different ways to get him to stop such as taking things away from him, spanking, yelling. Then one day I was like "aha" he keeps doing this because he's getting so much (negative) attention from it so I started only focusing on the good work he brought home, and "aha" we only get awesomely colored pictures now. Most surprising would have to be the anger.

2. What parenting issues tend to be trigger points for your particular kind of anger? Under what particular circumstances do you tend to "lose it"?

I "lose it" when I feel like nobody is listening to me, when I just keep saying the same thing over and over and I'm getting know where, or I get a NO, or an I don't want to. And if it's a day when I feel like I have a million things to do, I really "lose it" then.

3. How did you tend to communicate your feelings of anger before children-verbally? physically? through withdrawal or silence? Has your "anger style" changed since becoming a mother? Is the intensity level lower or higher?

I would have to say before children it was mostly silence, but if I was really and I mean really angry I would get physical with people. I would have to say yes my style has changed, and my intensity level is way higher, I don't think I have ever been as angry as I get now.

4. What childhood or early adulthood ideal of "good" mothering have you regretted giving up the most? Stop and consider how much influence these resentments are playing out in your anger toward your children.

I would have to say working outside the house and having time (in everyday) to just enjoy the kids.

5. Name two moms you know who seem to be struggling with anger toward their kids. How could you use this book as a tool to develop creative conversations and encourage one another towards change?

I know a few mom's I would love to tell about this book, unfortunately at this time I don't talk to them. But I'm hoping that blogging about what I'm reading and my own struggles will help any other moms who come across my blog.

6. Are you harboring any secrets in regard to your anger and your behavior-things you do and feel when no one is around? Who would have a difficult time believing your story of anger?

No I'm pretty open in sharing when I have done or said something wrong, I always tell HAWG, it's important to me that he knows I feel overwhelmed at times and need his help. I have told close friends and family members too, I don't want to ever hurt my kids so If I start getting that angry I get help and walk away. I guess a lot of time's I feel like running from my life instead of sticking it out here, I don't always share (every time I feel that way).

I just wanted to add that I don't get physically abusive with my kids but I do yell (a lot), and I do have to walk away so I don't hit them and I say things I shouldn't say like "I wish I wasn't a mom". I do have moments where I totally freak out and throw things across the room, and I have broken down crying in front of my kids, that's just to name a few things. And for some reason my freak out moments always happen after work (my work is babysitting). I start to feel overwhelmed at dinner time and that seems to be the time when my kids start freaking out.

I love my kids, and I can be a good mom.